The Food Monster (3E)

Hamburgers are my favourite food. It wasn’t until recently that I discovered my insatiable constant craving of hamburgers, and that’s because I would simply refuse to eat them.  Not because they didn’t taste good, and not because they didn’t make my mouth water, but because whenever I ordered a hamburger at McDonald’s, it came with a side of hassle and with a regular sized drink of awkward.

The recipe for the perfect burger:

Perfect!

• Bun
• Burger
• Cheese, sometimes
• Bacon, always
• NO lettuce
• NO tomatoes
• NO onions
• NO pickles
• NO ketchup, NO mustard, NO relish, NO mayonnaise

I haven’t had a trip to McDonald’s yet where the worker hasn’t squinted at me with wariness after I ask them to make my sandwich plain.  And the times that my patty actually makes it to my hands plain?  Few.  More often than not I need to be that jerk who sends a perfectly fine hamburger back because it has lettuce on it.  I’ve tried eating it after removing all of the toppings to avoid being that jerk, but the mayonnaise has seeped into the bun.  It’s a lost cause.  There’s nothing I can do to save you, hamburger.

If you think my peril at McDonald’s is bad, think about Subway.

I love me some subs, but I was scared of going to Subway for the longest time because of my bare-boned choice of toppings.

The Matt Sub:

• Bread
• Cheese
• Chicken
• Bacon
• Hot sauce

There you have it.  A waste of money if I’ve ever seen one, to put meat and cheese on a foot-long bun.

I am a very picky eater.

WHAT IS THIS MESS?

I don’t like condiments.  I don’t like fruit.  I don’t like vegetables.  I don’t like overly complicated foods with multiple ingredients.

My pickiness comes from my fear of trying new things. It’s a wonder I like broccoli.  I was literally forced to try it.  Otherwise, I don’t venture much when it comes to food, mainly because I’m a very close-minded individual.

But I think my biggest problem is my inability to have foods touch. Thanksgiving is an ordeal for me, because I have to set up walls between my different foods so that my grandmother doesn’t drop a heap of mashed potatoes over my mound of rice – oh god, that thought makes me queasy.  And the gravy.  It seeps everywhere.  The thought of combining flavour, why, that’s positively alien
to me.  To me, food is meant to be enjoyed separately, and my rationale is that I like to enjoy each component’s flavour as they are.

It’s a wonder I can manage to eat a stir fry, but it’s a struggle.

Foods I Like:

I like my basics.

• I like a good breakfast of eggs and bacon and toast.
• I love all carbohydrates, the plain janes of the food pyramid: bread, crackers, rice, pasta (but never with tomato sauce because I don’t like tomatoes and I don’t like sauce.  I’m a bad Italian)
• I like all kinds of meat and fish.
• I like all junk food.
• I like potatoes, thank goodness, because they’re a staple to my meals whether mashed or baked or as greasy greasy French fries.

Foods I Don’t Like:

• EVERYTHING ELSE.

In the meantime I’ll stick to my Angus Third Pounders with just bacon and cheese, or my Oven Roasted Chicken foot-longs with bacon and hot sauce.

Plain, just the way I like it.

• foods touching
• picky eater
• plain